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Friday, June 12, 2009

  Divine Revelation

I would have blogged sooner, but I was waiting for inspiration from God. After last night's Red Sox victory over the Yankees—the eighth in eight meetings this season, in case you hadn't heard—I got it.

The First Book of Penny
(with apologies to Samuel)

Now the MFY gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Fenway, which belongeth to The Nation, and pitched between Yawkey and Lansdowne and Van Ness, in Back Bay.

And Francona and the men of Sox were gathered together, and pitched by the valley of Kenmore, and set the battle in array against the MFY.

And the MFY sat in a dugout on the one side, and the men of Sox stood on a mountain on the other side: and there was a diamond between them.

And there went out of the dugout of the MFY, a pitcher named Carsten Charles, of the house of Sabathia, whose height was six cubits and a span. And he had a cap of navy blue upon his head, and he was armed with a jersey of gray; and the weight of the uniform was considerable so as to cover his large midsection and bubble butt. And his glove was of fine hide, and his ball finely stitched.

And he stood and cried unto the armies of Sox, and said unto them, Ye are going down. Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? Am not I a Bronxite, and ye servants to Francona? Choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to defeat me, then will we be your bitches: but if I prevail against him, then shall ye be our bitches.

When Francona and all Sox heard those words of the Bronxite, they were dismayed, because face it, the Bronxite was a bad-ass.

Now Francona had five starting fighters, one who was Josh of the house of Beckett, and also Jon of the house of Lester, and Daisuke of the house of Matsuzaka in the land of the rising sun, and also there was the old man among them, being Tim of the house of Wakefield. The fifth was a lowly man named Bradley Wayne, of the house of Penny, known in The Nation as He of the Big Inning, God Help Us.

And so it was that the turn of Bradley came up to face the Bronxite, Carsten Charles by name, of the house of Sabathia, out of the armies of the MFY.

And all the men and women of The Nation, when they saw the matchup, averted their eyes, and were sore afraid.

And the men of Sox said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? Surely to defy The Nation is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the general manager will enrich him with great riches, and will give him a bonus, and an extra sandwich from the post-game buffet.

And Bradley spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that defeateth this Bronxite, and deliver yet another smackdown to the MFY? For who is this Bronxite, that he should defy the armies of the living Theo?

And the people answered him after this manner, saying, So shall it be done to the man that defeateth him.

And Bradley came on and drew near unto the MFY, and together with the pitcher Carsten Charles did dueleth. And there was no score until David, of the house of Ortiz, jacked one.

And it continued that Carsten Charles and Bradley further dueled, until the obscure Francisco, of the house of Cervelli, and A-Rod, of the house of Steroids, batted in three runs off Manny, of the house of Delcarmen, who hung his head in shame. And when the Bronxite left the field of battle, he thought he had it all sewn up.

But the Bronxite foresaw not the evil MFY bullpen. And as he gazed upon the diamond, he saw Alfredo, of the house of Aceves, and Phil, of the house of Coke, give up the store. For it was J.D. of the house of Drew, Jason of the house of Bay of the northern region, and Mike of the house of Lowell who avenged Bradley. And Takashi, of the house of Saito in the land of the rising sun, didst hold the lead, and Jonathan the Insane, of the house of Papelbon, got the save. And theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankees lost, for the eighth time in a row this season against the armies of Sox.

And in the Nation, there was much rejoicing.

And so it came to pass that a voice rang out across the land, and the voice proclaimed, Yankees sucketh.

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